Chapter 79: Weakness

"...you and I shall stand face to face before his bar; and ye shall know that I have been commanded of him to write these things, notwithstanding my weakness. And I pray the Father in the name of Christ that many of us, if not all, may be saved in his kingdom at that great and last day."

2 Nephi 33:11-12

A great week spent almost completely over on the Emerald Isle of Ireland! We conducted exchanges with the Belfast Zone Leaders and had All-Ireland Area Conference which was just great. I love all the missionaries over the sea and just really appreciate the work they are doing and all I learned from them.

Our exchanges with Elder Tolman and Elder McKay were just so good; so much fun and it was great for me to see how much they both have grown. Elder Tolman and I came into this mission together almost a year ago now with Elder Draney and we all quarantined together in Edinburgh. It was fulfilling to have our first exchange and reflect together on all that's happened since and discuss our plans for the ever-quicker approaching future of post-mission life. I have good friends in both Elder McKay and Elder Tolman and will always treasure the memories we made with them.

We were also reunited with Elder Kulmayer shortly down in Dublin for Conference; it was fun to see him with the Zone Leaders Elder Fromgren and Elder Roy. I love them all very much. After Zone Conference on Wednesday all five of us went out to Wings Buffet which was so fun and then all stay together in the Bungalo outside the Dublin chapel.

Well, on my mission I've learned a lot about personal weakness, and there is much that I could say, but I will keep it to the experiences of this week. My weakness was exposed a lot this week. For some reason, things just didn't go right and Conference wasn't set up very well, some things in relation to out exchanges fell apart, and I just seemed to make some really dumb decisions as the days went on. It left me feeling very discouraged.

During Conference especially I just felt like such a failure, and that my personal shortcomings were costing the missionaries a lot in the sense that I just wasn't able to give them everything I wanted to.

For a long time, we've been preparing this change in the mission in how we perceive the standards regarding Technology Use as well as just the entire culture how we use technology and help each other improve. It's something that I am very passionate about, and no matter what I write here I won't be able to convey what it is and how I feel. With that said, what we were instructing on was and is very important to the mission, and it had gone beautifully in Edinburgh. But, for some reason, things didn't work out during Ireland Conference the way I had hoped. I had worked and prepared so devotedly and yet here it was, I thought, all falling apart. As we went into the lunch break after our haphazard instruction due to some unfortunate factors, I was overwhelmed and felt I had let the missionaries down. My emotions got the best of me, and I began to cry. I'll be very honest because I believe it's important.

All of lunch we as a companionship were very discouraged, and it was at that moment when President came up to us and called us into another room. He asked us how we were feeling, and I gave him the truth. I love President McCrudden. He taught us and reminded us all so well in that little room the desires of the Adversary and the role of weakness in mortality.

I learned from that discussion that we aren't here to be perfect, but we are only here to do what we can with what we've got; to really give it all to the Lord and that's all we can expect of ourselves. Nephi in this scripture above knows that he's done his best in writing and preserving the records, that he's tried his hardest to teach about Christ and to bear witness of his Atonement so that all who would read his words could have a fair opportunity to accept the Gospel. But, what is so beautiful about what he says is that phrase "notwithstanding my weakness." He knew what he was asked to do and he gave his all in doing it, notwithstanding his weakness.

In my life, I've learned that there are certain things God wants me to do. I've grown in my abilities to hear his voice and feel his spirit prompting me to do his will. I'm grateful for that. I've been put in assignments and places that have given me stewardship and responsibility. I'm grateful for that as well. Because of this, at times I've really wrestled with the fact that I never seem to measure up. I have so many flaws I'm trying to overcome. But, I now understand better that I only need to give my all, and God will magnify it through His power for the benefit of myself and those I am striving to serve or lead.

In all of my weakness this week, despite all of the things I did wrong or didn't exactly do right, I still felt the spirit so strongly and I was able to teach and testify with the power of God. Notwithstanding my weakness, God used me to do his will. Things worked out, and this lesson was deepened in my heart, and for that I am grateful.

If you feel like nothing you are righteously striving to do is making a difference, or that you just always seem to keep messing up or making the same mistakes, just know that you are in the same boat as the rest of humankind. What's important to remember though, is that it is your very desire to be better and improve that sets you apart from everyone else. That is what God wants, your heart. So keep giving Him your heart, and all will come right eventually.

Life is good.

God is wise.

Don't give up.

Elder Childers

Me and Elder McKay in Tesco

Dublin on St. Patrick's Day! Pretty unforgettable once in a lifetime experience!

Me and Elder Tolman

Us with the Belfast Zone Leader

Elder Lambert fell asleep on the plane. I love him a lot.