Chapter 63: Darkness to Light

"For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ."

2 Corinthians 4:6

This week was really tough, but also really good. When you are on a mission, sometimes there are moments that you have where you just don't feel great. It's not easy. I was still quite sick for a lot of this week, as well as my companion, which didn't help because then you just have so much time to think. I found myself facing a lot of negative thoughts, and for the fist half of the week, I struggled.

Sometimes, it's hard not to be who you think you should be. It's hard to have to reconcile all of your desires with all of your realities. It can be so difficult to cultivate divine discontent without allowing the Devil's dissonance to take root and spread (Neal A. Maxwell, Notwithstanding My Weakness). I have a lot of things that I wish I were better at, and this week it got the better of me.

As I struggled with this self-doubt and criticism, I felt like I was in darkness. It really felt like no matter where I was turning, I just could not find an answer or find a way out. I don't really know how to describe it other than I was feeling like there was no way I could ever be the person I wanted to be and I felt God needed me to be.

I think this is a pretty normal way to feel sometimes.

But, I had an opportunity to have a short, but great interview with President McCrudden. As I told him everything I was feeling, he helped me see that there was everything in front of me. He told me that there was a future, a great one, waiting for me. He counseled me to focus on gradual growth, to not disappoint myself by setting my bar too high. He taught me that God works by degrees.

It was what I needed to hear, and I will always be grateful for that gentle reminder when I felt under-qualified and overwhelmed. It's how life goes, and we need to take it one step at a time. Peace returned, and I felt a lot lighter, like the darkness that had been weighing me down was gone.

Even though "the Lord God worketh not in darkness" (2 Nephi 26:23), he can help us as we face the inevitable darkness of life. Darkness can be turned to light as we allow ourselves the grace of Christ in facing our struggles and disappointments. When we refuse such grace, the irony remains: in pushing ourselves harder and harder to be everything we want to be, we actually end up further and further from our goals.

Instead, rely on Christ and trust in his promises to you. In so doing, he will qualify you for all of what's ahead, no matter the assignment or trial. After all I faced during my week, after everything I told President, the next day I received a call from him asking me if I would be one of his Assistants in the mission.

Let's just say that I feel like I will be facing a steep learning curve.

But, the truth is that Satan will always try and bring you down. Christ, however, lifts you up to help you see your potential.

Choose to follow Christ.

Life is good.

God is wise.

Don't give up.

Elder Childers

Me and Ann McHugh in her lovely home

Lunch with David this week—he came all the way from Glasgow to take us out!

The feast we made Ann for our last dinner together

Thanksgiving with Zilke and Royce! They are so great

Our friend Sam who came to church for the third week in a row today. He's a great man who I will miss